K R I S T EN

Sun, 27 Dec 2009 04:38:57 GMT

New year new year new year new year. Better decisions for myself.

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 01:53:22 GMT

So I’m totally weirded out by this, right? And then I just start blasting her. Like… I don’t know how to deal with what I’m feeling, so I figure the best way is by calling her a slut, right? And tell her she was used. I’m… I’m out for blood. I really wanna hurt this girl. I’m like, “What the fuck is your problem?”, right?

And she’s just all calmly trying to tell me, like, it was that time and it was that place and she doesn’t think she should apologize because she doesn’t feel that she’s done anything wrong. I’m like, “Oh, really?” That’s when I look her straight in the eye, I tell her it’s over. I walk. It was a mistake. I didn't hate her. I wasn't disgusted with her. I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small, like... like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I'm saying? But, what I did not get, she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was... she was looking for me But, by the time I figure this all out, it was too late. She moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away. So, I've spent every day since then chasing Amy... so to speak.

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 06:21:44 GMT

Vegetarian. Non-meat eating alien. "Not even sausage?"
Ann Arbor lets me raise my freak flag. It's slowly becoming a second home, one for my evolving self, chock full of developing ideals&ideas. My first home will always be that small town.

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 04:09:47 GMT

"To live is the rarest thing in the world, most people exist, that's all." - Oscar Wilde

I need to remember this more.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 01:56:54 GMT

I am making the decision right now to stop being so afraid of becoming nothing. I'm not a failure if I choose something different for myself. It's okay if I go in an unknown direction. Maybe subconsciously I know what is really right for me. Maybe I have no clue what I'm supposed to do, and that's okay. I just don't want to be scared of doing/being something different. I need to trust that it will all work out.

I don't think I have ever truly felt like I've known what I want to do with my life. Instead, I have goals that I want to obtain, such as owning my own house in California. And whatever route I take to that is okay with me. I enjoy school, so many years of it is feasible. Sure, I have interests, but I am not too picky about my j-o-b on a day to day basis. I am more concerned with society's perception of failure, and I think I am frightened to death of being labeled as a one. Perhaps this is my only motivator, and I really want to make it a thing of the past. I like helping people, the intensity of being a doctor, and, truthfully, all of society's stigmas that go along with having that Dr. in front of your name. I feel like I would be "okay" if I go to medical school. Believing that financial difficulties and emotional torments would be a thing of the past. Then I will have .... arrived?

When asked why I want to be a doctor the first response that I think of is "why not? I have the time, the will power, and helping people feels great!", but before I let my verbal diarrhea insult the questioner I think of the acceptable answer and give the response they're looking for.

But none of this is true. It's a facade that we trick ourselves into believing. If we don't have a fancy car, nice toys, and enough in the bank, are we successful? There is a massive inferiority complex in all of us. We try to stuff this gaping hole in ourselves with money, success, and power. I don't want to be afraid of not living up to our standards of success. I want to be happy in my own way, and stop jumping through hoops to reach unattainable goals. I initially chose doctor because of the pressure to BE SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE. Then came the warm, fuzzy feelings that I'd get to help people. What I'm trying to say, and hammer into myself, is that none of this matters. I don't need to follow prescribed values. It's okay if I don't know where I am going to work in ten years, don't be scared. I get one life, my career means nothing in comparison to family, relationships, and life outside of the 9am-5pm business day. If I choose something different, the house of cards will not tumble, I will still be here and so will the things that I love. There is really, really nothing to be scared of.

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 03:39:15 GMT

"Do not be the one who promises to wander in darkness, but has not seen the night" - Ulver, Ord

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 02:46:57 GMT

I have really simple humor and that might be my favorite thing about myself.

Finally....

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 04:42:18 GMT

oh I think that time is finally coming. My head waits for the dumbest things. I don't think I'll forget tonight. Or when this feeling finally fully sets in. Time is amazing. I'm done and so happy because of it. I am ready to leave you as a memory. This is it, this is the last mention or illusion to you here or elsewhere in my life. I don't owe you anything, not anymore.

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 22:44:42 GMT

Your conscious life, in short, is nothing but an elaborate post-hoc rationalization of things you really do for other reasons.
- VS Ramachandran

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 03:01:47 GMT

I have gone longer without you than I ever have with you.

This is absolutely perfect,

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 02:57:11 GMT

my favorite movie.

The world forgetting, by the world forgot

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 22:38:21 GMT

Mierzwiak! Please let me keep this memory, just this one.

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 20:11:36 GMT

Near perfect isn't perfect. And somehow not enough.

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 23:28:28 GMT

I think I just had my first panic attack. Whoa... exhilarating

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 22:30:59 GMT

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 22:29:14 GMT

“Hold fast to the human inside of you, and you’ll survive.” - Roussin, The Diving Bell...

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 00:51:13 GMT

everyday it gets a little better. You can't force your mind to be at peace with anything. It's a waiting game. And each day you become a little more comfortable knowing things ain't how they were.

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 05:01:03 GMT

I need a new secretive pocket of the web to let my cute hearts and kissy faces unfold. Twitter got popular and now I feel like I have to have a legitimate reason to update. I'm all stifled up with gushy soft things and nowhere on the interwebs to let them go!

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 21:07:01 GMT

this is a reminder for me to name my next pet Pickles.

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 04:26:51 GMT

Eternalised. Objectified.
You set your sights so high.
But this is beginning to feel like the bolt busted loose from the lever.

Never you mind, Death professor.
Your structure's fine. My dust is better.
Your victim flies so high all to catch a bird's eye view of who's next.

Never you mind
Death professor.
Love is life,
My love is better

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 02:04:17 GMT

We're just being polite. When did we stop believing what we say?

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 04:54:07 GMT

Hello, journal!

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 20:14:17 GMT

Take me down
To the paradise city
Where the grass is green
And the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please take me home

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 06:38:33 GMT

I think I'll eventually give up. You always come to me when I'm sleepy.

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 05:35:30 GMT

This is a reminder for me to find my colorful clutch. FIND IT