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[23 Nov 2009|07:48pm] |
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All productivity dropped off somewhere around last wednesday night. I have one more class and 7 hours of work then I am free to gain an extra 5 pounds on all of my favorite foods. Well worth it
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[03 Nov 2009|08:08pm] |
I am making the decision right now to stop being so afraid of becoming nothing. I'm not a failure if I choose something different for myself. It's okay if I go in an unknown direction. Maybe subconsciously I know what is really right for me. Maybe I have no clue what I'm supposed to do, and that's okay. I just don't want to be scared of doing/being something different. I need to trust that it will all work out.
I don't think I have ever truly felt like I've known what I want to do with my life. Instead, I have goals that I want to obtain, such as owning my own house in California. And whatever route I take to that is okay with me. I enjoy school, so many years of it is feasible. Sure, I have interests, but I am not too picky about my j-o-b on a day to day basis. I am more concerned with society's perception of failure, and I think I am frightened to death of being labeled as a one. Perhaps this is my only motivator, and I really want to make it a thing of the past. I like helping people, the intensity of being a doctor, and, truthfully, all of society's stigmas that go along with having that Dr. in front of your name. I feel like I would be "okay" if I go to medical school. Believing that financial difficulties and emotional torments would be a thing of the past. Then I will have .... arrived?
When asked why I want to be a doctor the first response that I think of is "why not? I have the time, the will power, and helping people feels great!", but before I let my verbal diarrhea insult the questioner I think of the acceptable answer and give the response they're looking for.
But none of this is true. It's a facade that we trick ourselves into believing. If we don't have a fancy car, nice toys, and enough in the bank, are we successful? There is a massive inferiority complex in all of us. We try to stuff this gaping hole in ourselves with money, success, and power. I don't want to be afraid of not living up to our standards of success. I want to be happy in my own way, and stop jumping through hoops to reach unattainable goals. I initially chose doctor because of the pressure to BE SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE. Then came the warm, fuzzy feelings that I'd get to help people. What I'm trying to say, and hammer into myself, is that none of this matters. I don't need to follow prescribed values. It's okay if I don't know where I am going to work in ten years, don't be scared. I get one life, my career means nothing in comparison to family, relationships, and life outside of the 9am-5pm business day. If I choose something different, the house of cards will not tumble, I will still be here and so will the things that I love. There is really, really nothing to be scared of.
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[02 Nov 2009|10:38pm] |
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"Do not be the one who promises to wander in darkness, but has not seen the night" - Ulver, Ord
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[01 Nov 2009|09:46pm] |
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I have really simple humor and that might be my favorite thing about myself.
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| Finally.... |
[28 Oct 2009|12:36am] |
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oh I think that time is finally coming. My head waits for the dumbest things. I don't think I'll forget tonight. Or when this feeling finally fully sets in. Time is amazing. I'm done and so happy because of it. I am ready to leave you as a memory. This is it, this is the last mention or illusion to you here or elsewhere in my life. I don't owe you anything, not anymore.
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[27 Oct 2009|06:43pm] |
Your conscious life, in short, is nothing but an elaborate post-hoc rationalization of things you really do for other reasons.
- VS Ramachandran
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[22 Oct 2009|11:00pm] |
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I have gone longer without you than I ever have with you.
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[14 Oct 2009|04:03pm] |
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Near perfect isn't perfect. And somehow not enough.
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[03 Oct 2009|07:26pm] |
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I think I just had my first panic attack. Whoa... exhilarating
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[03 Oct 2009|06:28pm] |
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“Hold fast to the human inside of you, and you’ll survive.” - Roussin, The Diving Bell...
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[15 Sep 2009|08:49pm] |
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everyday it gets a little better. You can't force your mind to be at peace with anything. It's a waiting game. And each day you become a little more comfortable knowing things ain't how they were.
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[15 Sep 2009|12:58am] |
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I need a new secretive pocket of the web to let my cute hearts and kissy faces unfold. Twitter got popular and now I feel like I have to have a legitimate reason to update. I'm all stifled up with gushy soft things and nowhere on the interwebs to let them go!
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[10 Sep 2009|05:05pm] |
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this is a reminder for me to name my next pet Pickles.
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[05 Sep 2009|12:25am] |
Eternalised. Objectified.
You set your sights so high.
But this is beginning to feel like the bolt busted loose from the lever.
Never you mind, Death professor.
Your structure's fine. My dust is better.
Your victim flies so high all to catch a bird's eye view of who's next.
Never you mind
Death professor.
Love is life,
My love is better
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[03 Sep 2009|10:03pm] |
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We're just being polite. When did we stop believing what we say?
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[03 Sep 2009|12:09am] |
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Hello, journal!
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[17 Aug 2009|04:14pm] |
Take me down
To the paradise city
Where the grass is green
And the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please take me home
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[13 Aug 2009|02:30am] |
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I think I'll eventually give up. You always come to me when I'm sleepy.
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[29 Jul 2009|01:35am] |
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This is a reminder for me to find my colorful clutch. FIND IT
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[19 Jul 2009|01:39am] |
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rewind, rewind. I'd just like to see it once more
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[30 Jun 2009|08:33pm] |
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“You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story.” -- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
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[29 Jun 2009|01:01am] |
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It just wouldn't even make sense nowadays. I used to have dreams where it was all okay. I don't want my mind to give up on you, but you left so long ago.
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[21 Jun 2009|07:51pm] |
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“You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.” -- John Green, Looking for Alaska
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[06 Jun 2009|09:58pm] |
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wah wah wah. I want the room to spin.
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[17 Apr 2009|11:14pm] |
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“finding the humor in things often means finding the truth” -- Marc Johns, author of H is for Holy Crap
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[15 Apr 2009|01:26am] |
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I am running really low on sleep but I can see the finish line. I'm sprinting and almost there.
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[08 Apr 2009|10:08pm] |
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“In fact, virtually all memory of the brilliance of the young Tenenbaums had been erased by two decades of betrayal, failure, and disaster” - The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
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[24 Feb 2009|09:43pm] |
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Listening to Lovage makes me feel better after a bad day. Reminds me of a rainy spring day. And cleaning from top to bottom is soothing.
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[24 Feb 2009|02:49pm] |
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Our truest life is when we are in our dreams awake.
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[28 Jan 2009|12:37am] |
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Being here feels incredibly lonely a lot of the time. It's been a really long past few weeks.
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[25 Jan 2009|08:56pm] |
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"If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers
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[25 Jan 2009|04:10pm] |
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[08 Dec 2008|11:33pm] |
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[30 Sep 2008|10:42pm] |
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You do enough. You have enough. You are enough.
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kristenalyse's journal